November 9, 2015

My new partner : Myself XX

Your wish. Your way.
Yes, maturity is counted in damages and not in years.
Damages that you've endured and SURVIVED.
But I choose not to get hurt from you anymore. I'm done prioritizing things and people.
Now, It's my wish. My way.
P.S. I will never go to Jazzmandu with you. Never ever.
... ... ... ... 
     Circumstances in life often takes us places we never intend to go. We visit some places of beauty, others of pain and desolation. I think any time you go through a season or trail in your life, your spiritual faith deepens. It's something beautiful that comes out of difficult time. But my faith in you have diminished. It's flickering light. Warm but useless

     Once, at the reading desk in 2nd or 3rd grade, my best friend offered me a chewing gum - the one in his mouth. He was picking his nose and saw me looking at him. I stuck my tongue out at him, because that is what I did a lot of time, when I was 7 or 8 years old. So he offered me a chewing gum straight from his mouth and I will not forget that.

     When I was little, actually right around the same time that my friend was offering me the chewing gum at the reading desk; I had a vision of myself as a grown-up. It included making large abstract paintings in a huge barn (I used to paint then), or perhaps, write. I pictured being the kind of man who owned a barn that had been converted into a painting studio with cozy corners where I'd write as well. I pictured having a stained glass window in the barn. I wanted to own horses too and tons of other animals. I don’t know where I thought I would keep the horses if I were painting in the barn or writing in those cozy corners. May be that's what being optimistic is like. You don’t worry about where the horses are going to sleep. Now, I am pragmatic. #FactoNotVerba

     I've not come any closer to owning a horse than I've come to owning a flat.

     And I turn the pages of an old photo album. Scrutinize a picture where I look happy. The face that stares back at me in the photograph is soulful and earnest. He looks slightly shy but self-assured. He has big brown eyes. His hair is swept to the side. Red colorful sweater. It must have been a winter just like now. So much has changed. But he doesn’t look familiar to me.

     He looks like someone I would like to know. I think I will give him a call and see if we can meet for coffee.

     I wonder if I could have just skipped meeting lots of people that I've met, skipped the trying so hard to make myself match a stranger, and gone straight to the source. Made a profile for the person I really wanted to meet : myself.

     This morning, make arrangements with yourself to meet for coffee. Find that one outfit in your closet that you feel most yourself in, and dress to meet your self. Make sure you have clean fingernails and do not wear stained or ripped sweat pants. Dress in a way that pleases you and says to your inner self, “You are worth taking care.” Try saying this to yourself : “You are doing a good job becoming your true self.”

     Sit by the lake or in the park, on a bench and notice the ways in which your hand curls beautifully around the steaming cup. Appreciate the feel of the air ruffling your hair. Say hello to the perfect person for you.

     Let your shiny self meet your rumpled self. Be in public with your new partner - you. Notice the way your toes curl when you are happy. Just the way you are.