Feb 5, 2011

a search for souls

     My eyes opened, to see Kathmandu soften in the early morning rain. Stretching I gazed out of my bedroom window, the cold and the wet outside making me languid as I lay under my toasty covers. I loved this view and for the past one and half years i.e. since my collage life started, I've loved waking up to it.


I literally had to push myself to get off the bed in the cold december especially after week long enjoyment of sports week. I some how did manage to get up then hurriedly got myself cleaned and rushed to the collage. On the way i could see the news-vendors shivering in the cold and everybody busy in their morning chores. I could hear conductors yelling at the top of their voice "Ratnapark Ratnapark, dai jane ho? aaunu euta seat khali cha". I had always thought about these boys and no wonder i was doing the same that very day.


As i was crossing the bridge, struggling the cold and the ever increasing odour from the so called holy river, I met her. I found the whole situation rather fishy. In that particular moment itself I could feel whirlpool of things. I was filled with the feelings of anxiety, curiosity and irritability all together. Most of all, I suddenly felt cold fear dripping down on my back and I hoped against hope. Now she was much closer and I could see her approaching me. She hesitantly walked towards me, expecting me to say or do something -- not realizing that, for me even to say hello would be too much effort at that moment. I struck my hand for a lightening fast shake and drawled blandly, "hello Pooja, what a surprise." without waiting for answer, i moved forward and mumbled over my shoulder for her to watch me going...
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     THE HISTORY :: I met Pooja in the school. I knew, from the start, we were going to be great friends. But, the electricity I felt coursing through by body with just a look or touch, never let me be 100% comfortable around her. Our friendship changed gears and escalated to another level. The first time we kissed. I can't quite explain how I felt, but I can tell you that, when my hand slid behind her and pulled her closer, as our lips touched my soul miraculously reached out of me to hold her. I could have let go and yet we would not have been apart. I lost something that day more than just my heart.

     But things got complicated and i skipped the institution (i.e. school to collage) not long after I stopped calling her, cowardly I know, but I decided I wanted to stay in one piece than to try and brave it out to the end, only to find I can' make it. So I put time and distance between us. I told myself I am worth a lot more than this two-minded fool and two faced beauty who couldn't figure out whether or not she cared for me and I let her go...
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     Yes, I did let go but until I met her on the bridge that day. I met her very next day too. After a fake salutations and a cold handshake we shared between us I walked away. I thought to myself why could she just not let ourselves without each other in our lives. But then I remembered that kiss and how I had felt about my soul out of my body. The fact I my soul is still with her, indeed. For hours, I sat in my balcony counting the stars that night, unwilling to think or to dream that I could be with my soul once again. I remembered all the pain and the times that she said she cared but had forgotten to add "only for a while." I wasn't going to give in, I had no guarantees that it wasn't going to be any different. Making up my mind, I stormed to call her.


         "Pooja, I am sorry but I don't think we should talk or see each other again."

     With that I thought I ended the relationship (which had no specific name), only to remorse later. I questioned, "why would i even bother calling her, after all we were all out of touch." Besides this callers remorse the fact that i still remembered her phone number left me pondering and exasperated. That remained unanswered  or rather I only thought what I wanted to.


     Life turned, I must admit, bleak. I would bump into Pooja sometimes on the same spot but would never say anything to each other. Once, she began to speak but at last she turned and walked away.


     I would reach home, ponder all those awkward meeting we would have. I could figure what work brought her to the place near my home, Kupandole. Curiosity got better of me and I called a common friend of ours, "Rahul , supp? this is Shailesh calling." we talked for a while. I figured that Pooja would come there on the bridge everyday just to meet me. Rahul told her the time I would pass through that bridge.


     "why didn't you tell me this before, u dick?"...
     "....its b'coz she asked me not to tell you ....she wants a second chance with you."


     She was afraid that if he told me, she would not get the second chance. She came to Kupandole just for me.  After I hung up, I sat there for a while and thought there is only one thing for me to do now. I walked into her room. I apologized for not reciprocating the feelings. She apologized too for not understanding my love for her while in school. We gave each other a hug and there I felt something different. I'VE GOT HER SOUL, I THOUGHT. I'VE GOT HER SOUL....!!!!
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