Jul 15, 2016

You in my mind.

     We try to stay in touch… and sometimes we fail.
     
     We make Skype dates that fall through. I forget about your weird time zone and text you in the middle of the night. Calls get dropped and plans change, and we both get busy with a thousand different little things—until we haven’t talked in months.


     But when we do talk, nothing has changed. We can fall back into our old selves without missing a beat. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed: our jokes are just as strange and pointless as ever, and we can still make each other laugh until it’s hard to breathe. We just keep catching each other up on every little thing in our lives—until we’ve been talking for hours.

     We both have other lives.

     And I’ll try to remember that… even when you’re posting pictures on Facebook of brunch with your new friends. I won’t tell you I think they look kinda basic. I’ll try to understand that you still need to have brunch, even when I’m not there.

     And you should know that no matter how many other friends make it into my profile picture, I haven’t replaced you. I could never find anyone else with your specific brand of strange and awesome.

     I know that we’ll both change.

     It’s just so WEIRD that we’re not in the same place, and yet somehow the space-time continuum hasn’t ruptured. And it’s weirder that we’re both going to keep changing without each other.

     I know we’ll stay friends, even as we keep growing. I know that just because you’ve gone vegan and joined a ska band, it doesn’t mean you’re leaving me behind. I’ll try to remember the names of all the people in your office so you can whine about them, and you’ll try to give me advice on prospective romantic partners you’ve never met.

     Because I’m still here for you.

     I love you, no matter what stupid place you live in. I love you, even if we only talk once a year. You can still call me in a crisis, or to tell me big news, or even just to talk about how you finally started binge-watching Friends (I’ve only been telling you to watch it for like, years, but whatever).

     And I know that no matter how many times you move, you’re there for me too.

     I will always count the days until I can see you again.

     No matter how much we suck at communicating, nothing will stop me from squeezing the life out of you when you’re finally back in town. I will always be deliriously happy to see you. I will always ditch my local friends just to talk about nonsense with you.

     So hurry up and come visit.

By Charlotte Ahlin.
(Dear author, thank you for knowing exactly how I feel / need to say).
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Jun 8, 2016

Life is this big fat stinking mess and I am trying to figure it out.

     I am currently staring blank at the screen. Still staring.
     
     I decided that I would write today. What about? I do not know. But write I must. Its something that I have enjoyed doing / pursuing but.. but.. life happened (I have a knack for DRAMA). So let's get on with it, shall we?

     I turned 28 yesterday. Yes, TWENTY friggin' EIGHT. And if you have known me at all, you would also know how often I would mention that 28 would be the perfect age. At 28, you are neither too old nor young. You neither look like an uncooked pasta nor a burnt toast - So to say you look just right; like a ripe fruit ready to be eaten. And above all you do not have to live through pang of age 29 when you would stress over how you are turning 30. Ahh!! You see, I fantasized about age 28 quite a lot. My younger self thought I would have figured out everything by the time I would be 28. And at 28, I AM STILL FIGURING. And silly as you might think I am - by 28, I thought, I would have a home of my own, a burgeoning career, fantastic look, and many more stuff that would be embarrassing for me if I mention them now. To sum it up I had a vision of myself as a grown-up. It included making large abstract paintings in a huge barn (I used to paint then), or perhaps, write. I pictured being the kind of man who owned a barn that had been converted into a painting studio with cozy corners where I would write as well. I pictured having a stained glass window in the barn. I wanted to own horses too and tons of other animals. I do not know where I thought I would keep the horses if I were painting in the barn or writing in those cozy corners. May be that's what being optimistic is like. You do not worry about where the horses are going to sleep. Now, I am pragmatic. #FactoNotVerba

     My point is life has not turned up exactly like I thought it would. If you asked me not too long ago (let's say last year) where I saw myself in a year, I would tell you that this was not it. Everything I am right now is nothing like I thought I would have been. And may be that's the beauty of it. So may be this year will be amazing for me. Or may be not. I would be better at what I am doing, progress and may be 28 would be everything I thought it would be. Or not. Or may be tomorrow meteor will smash the earth, another earthquake will wreck it's havoc, or it won't. Life is this big fat stinking mess. BUT THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT TOO. Age 28 and life is what I make of it. And you see I already have vision for when I turn 30. Because, WHY NOT?

     And.. by 28 I wanted to have people around me who I love and eventually plan my life with. And at 27, I decided I would spend my special day with those special people. And I did. Sanyukta, Usha, Sarthak and Triyug. Thank you for everything. This post is for you guys. Stay insanely happy and weird.

Love XX.
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Nov 9, 2015

My new partner : Myself XX



Your wish. Your way.
Yes, maturity is counted in damages and not in years.
Damages that you've endured and SURVIVED.
But I choose not to get hurt from you anymore. I'm done prioritizing things and people.
Now, It's my wish. My way.
P.S. I will never go to Jazzmandu with you. Never ever.
... ... ... ... 
     
     Circumstances in life often takes us places we never intend to go. We visit some places of beauty, others of pain and desolation. I think any time you go through a season or trail in your life, your spiritual faith deepens. It's something beautiful that comes out of difficult time. But my faith in you have diminished. It's flickering light. Warm but useless

     Once, at the reading desk in 2nd or 3rd grade, my best friend offered me a chewing gum - the one in his mouth. He was picking his nose and saw me looking at him. I stuck my tongue out at him, because that is what I did a lot of time, when I was 7 or 8 years old. So he offered me a chewing gum straight from his mouth and I will not forget that.

     When I was little, actually right around the same time that my friend was offering me the chewing gum at the reading desk; I had a vision of myself as a grown-up. It included making large abstract paintings in a huge barn (I used to paint then), or perhaps, write. I pictured being the kind of man who owned a barn that had been converted into a painting studio with cozy corners where I'd write as well. I pictured having a stained glass window in the barn. I wanted to own horses too and tons of other animals. I don’t know where I thought I would keep the horses if I were painting in the barn or writing in those cozy corners. May be that's what being optimistic is like. You don’t worry about where the horses are going to sleep. Now, I am pragmatic. #FactoNotVerba


     I've not come any closer to owning a horse than I've come to owning a flat.

     And I turn the pages of an old photo album. Scrutinize a picture where I look happy. The face that stares back at me in the photograph is soulful and earnest. He looks slightly shy but self-assured. He has big brown eyes. His hair is swept to the side. Red colorful sweater. It must have been a winter just like now. So much has changed. But he doesn’t look familiar to me.

     He looks like someone I would like to know. I think I will give him a call and see if we can meet for coffee.

     I wonder if I could have just skipped meeting lots of people that I've met, skipped the trying so hard to make myself match a stranger, and gone straight to the source. Made a profile for the person I really wanted to meet : myself.

     This morning, make arrangements with yourself to meet for coffee. Find that one outfit in your closet that you feel most yourself in, and dress to meet your self. Make sure you have clean fingernails and do not wear stained or ripped sweat pants. Dress in a way that pleases you and says to your inner self, “You are worth taking care.” Try saying this to yourself : “You are doing a good job becoming your true self.”

     Sit by the lake or in the park, on a bench and notice the ways in which your hand curls beautifully around the steaming cup. Appreciate the feel of the air ruffling your hair. Say hello to the perfect person for you.

     Let your shiny self meet your rumpled self. Be in public with your new partner - you. Notice the way your toes curl when you are happy. Just the way you are.
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